I think I’ve finally realised why I have such a hard time when it comes to certain essays – right now the essay titles for the International Relations side of the politics course are leaving something to be desired, in my opinion. I don’t get it. I just don’t get IR. I mean, sure I get the theories well enough to give a general overview but when it comes to trying to predict what a certain state will do based on structural realist theories or Marxist perspectives, I’m partly lost. I think I understand it enough to bullshit to a layman that I know about it, but not enough to write 2000 words on it to fool a seminar tutor into thinking I get the theories.
I feel shit at the moment. And the reason? Because I can’t handle not getting something, not knowing. Being bad at something is hard for me. And it’s not because I arrogantly think I’m amazing and intelligent, no, believe me, I have self-esteem issues when it comes to my own knowledge. It’s because I’m nothing else but academic and if I don’t have good academic grades, good understanding of a subject then I am nothing as a person. I don’t have hobbies. I don’t have talents. Thus far in my life, I’ve been… ‘Emma, the clever one’ so when I don’t get something it’s really hard for me to handle that fact. Because without that understanding, what am I?
Sure I can sketch a person’s likeness well (if I have a model and an hour of silence), but I haven’t practiced it in years so I’ll undoubtedly be rusty. Sure I indulge in a little forum roleplay sometimes (the kind where you create characters and then write for them), but it’s hardly considered a talent. Sure I read and adore stories but that’s just a sideline, it’s hardly something that I (realistically) could call a hobby or talent since most people see it as a passive activity (if you read properly it isn’t). Sure, I can speak Spanish but as my self-confidence is zero I’d never feel good enough to strike up a conversation with a Spaniard whilst on holiday. Oh and I can’t sing, can’t dance, can’t play an instrument, can’t play sports very well (I have terrible coordination). I’m just… I don’t know… the one who’s good at essay writing (or the one who used to be good at academic work).
So when I’m not, when I feel as though I don’t know anything or haven’t grasped the material that’s been taught for this feeling of inadequacy and do something about it. *sigh* I’m having a bad day I reckon.
(PS- I can only apologise for the whiny, self-indulgent nature of this post. Like I said, bad day, and I need to let it out even if I know it’s not interesting for anyone to read, I need to write this out for me.)
The Terror of Knowing 