The Terror of Knowing

Inspired by Emily Diana Ruth’s Letters to July series, along with Carrie Hope Fletcher’s re-jigging of the concept for her own Letters to Autumn seriously, I thought I would write a little snippet each day to the lovely month that is October. So here goes nothing…

1st October

October you are the month of my birth. You’re one of my favourite months because you finally mark that transition into colder weather. The sticky days of summer are usually well gone by this point. This was no better illustrated than today, when I glanced out of the window one minute and the sky was clear and in the next, a rainstorm had started. The rain bounced off the all too slippy paving slabs in Alex Square and freshers and some oldies huddle under the cover all around the outside of the square. Walking through everyone to get lunch was a pain. But then I realised how much I enjoy Lancaster when it’s like this, when everyone is back, and the square is buzzing… even if it isn’t quite as glorious and sunny and picture perfect as yesterday was.

Today my boss handed me some legal bumpfh that she said I ought to read if I would like to pick up  more hours once my temporary contract ended. Someone else I work with, who also got the paperwork, started musing on why we’d both got it but another person hadn’t. Because she’s been there longer so would make the more obvious choice. Maybe I missed something. Maybe my boss was just telling me to pass on the paperwork to the other girl, to explain to her. Maybe it wasn’t meant for me at all.

And then I realise, in typing this, that I’m here doubting that my boss would want to keep me on for longer than she is legally obliged. Sometimes, I don’t realise how much self-doubt and low opinion I actually have of myself, until things like this happen and then I realise that I’m thinking someone must have made a mistake when they indicated they didn’t dislike me.

I should probably work on that.